Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
