Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
