dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
