if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
