I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
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