I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
