It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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