did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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