Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
