the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
