My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Pants are for mortals
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
