I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you had me at cake vodka
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
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