Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
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