i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
