I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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