I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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