if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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