you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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