Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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