from now on my penis is your penis
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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