the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
