Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
