i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
