My brain says no but my pants say off.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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