Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
