the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
