I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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