I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
