Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Enjoy the penises
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
