I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
