I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Who wears a wallet chain?!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
