Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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