Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
