Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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