just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she told me i tasted like america
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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