Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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