I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
