I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
