Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
