I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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