I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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