He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
