I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
