My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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