Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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