just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
