If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We need to get me chipped asap
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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