My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
