I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
