You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
