I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
