Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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