party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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