I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
