His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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