Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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