just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
