so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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