Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
