After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
