Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
