Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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