why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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